I ponder my thoughts like driving on an endless highway ….there seem to be so many twists and turns that it’s maddening. I keeping driving myself rather riding myself(oh the biker overtures make more sense than the driver ones) crazy but the tank never gets empty.
The music’s playing in the background…it always does…it started when I was born and does everyday till date. The only difference being that I’ve opened up to a whole lot of new genres. The one genre of music that I face everyday is that from elders, parents, on how to be a good boy/guy. And the occasional relatives who add the missing notes of the tune. Otherwise I started off with Hindi oldies that my parents would listen to every night, graduated to English pop (sometimes an induced liking thanks to some relatives) through teenage and now anything that can be emoted is accepted. Rock, House, Hip Hop, and Commercial (in that order) puts me in motion, Love Songs, Lounge, Ballads, and everything soft in terms of music puts me at peace. That’s the kind of music I like.
I’ve been taught to love and I learned to hate. Been taught to respect and disrespect comes naturally to me. Been told to be responsible but have been quite irresponsible about it. I’ve been asked to think first and act later. But I’ve always been slow with math. So when I was asked to think twice I thought twice meant a square and not a multiple. This weird analogy led to the over analytic behavior about everything. So much so that the first thing that I see myself doing after losing virginity is becoming a sexologist. I started of as a God loyalist but have ended up almost as a defector. Of late all bad things happening to me are the only point of existence of God for me. Yet I turn to HIM for support.
Indecisiveness is my middle name. Sometimes I wonder if I should inhale or exhale. Though I can be quite strong willed at times. That explains one good relationship after a failed one…yet. I’ve been a rebel too. Yes but more of a moderate than an extremist for which I despise myself. I try hard to do things for myself though would love if people take notice. I try not to strive for the latter though. Personal experiences say that doing something to appease others or to prove a point show lack of self confidence. I like to be known, noticed and admired but not famous. I want to be humble but not bullied or trampled upon. I like stability but I keep changing.
I like people but I hate crowds. I want to have individuality without developing an ego. I love to love people and I hate hating anyone. So much so that I hate the very thought of hating, despising, being jealous even though they come naturally to me for I’m nothing but human. I aspire to be impeccable without but don’t want to be a hypothetical concept because I know that no matter how much you wash, polish and wax your bike it gets dirty and scratched the next time you take it out for a ride. I’m also punctual though time management is a problem for me. I love to talk about myself. Through different mediums I could say. ‘About me’ hence ends up in multiple write ups in my case.
I’ve chosen my path of life so well that I re iterate it thousand times to find mistakes. The one started out as an optimist turned into more of a cynic than a pessimist. Trying to set system to the default state….Please Wait…..This may take a few minutes or may be a few more years…
